Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Astronauts vs. Cavemen

It appears that majority sentiment holds that the animalistic savagery and the dark heart of our souls would allow cavemen to somehow beat astronauts in a standup fight. This is despite the superior fitness required to go to space, a diet with better nutrition, and the basic training being Air Force officers would provide over, well, people who live in caves. Bah, romantic sentiment and thematic convenience isn't enough.

Astronauts win.

7 comments:

DannyDont said...

I might have agreed with you on this point if astronauts were the meteor punching, Martian brawling, space octo-bot riding, cowboys we all wish them to be. But, Apollo 13 showed us, that is not the case. Tom Hanks (Tom Hanks!), just floated around, sucking on tubes of toothpaste, screaming bad news into an intercom, and fidgeting with gizmos. I can't verify any of this because I didn't see Apollo 13, but the fact remains that all those attributes (minus the zero gravity and pureed food), are the same for any electrician.

Now, just think, who would play a caveman in the next Paleolithic epic? Some of you may say Paul Walker, in a surprise casting against type, and because he'd be the most convincing as a human with little to no grasp of spoken language--but I say Vin Diesel. Who better to wrestle a sabertooth tiger to the ground and pry its jaws open to retrieve a frightened cave whelp? Who better to make fire with nothing but his nails and a cave wall as flint? Who better to crush a woolly mammoth, and finally, who better to crush a few well-groomed engineers with Teflon space suits that have accidentally fallen into a wormhole? I mean, do I have to go into the metaphorical emasculation of wormholes? Vin Diesel versus Tom Hanks?

Cavemen win.

Geoff Klock said...

Dude is right. Cavemen win. You need more superior fitness to survive in a cave and hunt your own food than you do to go into space and push buttons. Astronaut diets may be better but cavemen did not grow up breathing toxins, drinking polluted water, or getting cancer from power lines, cell phones and twinkies. And if you are a hunter caveman I bet you have superior training hunting things, even astronauts. The air force just teaches you how to use big machines -- where are your big machines now fancy astronauts? You can blow up a city but you can't hunt down one little guy who is going to eat your heart for its magic.

Cavemen win!

Chengora said...

I've got to go with astronauts on this one based on a little thing called military discipline! Okay, so no need to go quite so loud. But I think all the cavemen advantages of not breathing toxins and pollutants are counterbalanced by scurvy. Yes, the critical lack of oranges is a crippling factor for the cro-magnum military-industrial-"fire-hardened stick" complex. I'm not sure any of the other diseases and afflictions can hold a candle to this Breaker of (Cave)Men.

hcduvall said...

When Charleton Heston was an astronaut, he defeated an entire society of apes--whose savagery and strength is greater than any cave dwelling man. With ape guns to boot. And then he nabbed an ape babe. I wil concede that while animal instinct would overcome a few members of the crew, the sheer grit of the G.I. captain with good ol' American know how.

dayraven said...

way to bust out one of the most subversively racist movies in film history, duvall. ;-) also a classic.

look, before the heavyweight boxing system meandered into multiple championship belts (my grandma has one called the world octogenarian championship) and lining up fall boy chumps w/ shitty records to beef up the career lines of the next klitshko to step off the boat, in order to merit a championship bout, you had to have a record against other title contenders . . .

that sentence was stupidly long but i'm too lazy to do anything about it. continuing . . .

caveman's qualification bouts include a handful of sabertooth KOs and prob a 12 round decisioin over a cavebear. astronaut's resume prob covers a split decision over a fuckin ap physics test.

and also, general health and endurance is a prime attribute for fuckin power walkers, okay? please don't try to sell me a guy spinning around in a disneyland ride taking down a dude who kills things w/ a pointy stick. and for that matter, scurvy and poor nutrition limit things like life expectancy, height, weight, etc. bfd. when's the last time you saw an astronaught built like our beloved governer arnold.

HoBs said...

hey good point.
never thought about it that way.

i agree, astronauts

except for the space suits. i think for the fight to be fair, the cave man should wear a space suit too.

Anonymous said...

Cavemen win. You can talk about the astronauts and their skills and their better diets and their discipline. . . But cavemen have to contend with competition that is stronger, faster, harder and more ferocious all the time; animals, other cavemen, the environment; what have you. Cavemen don't have concepts of preparedness, skill etc. that would let them know the astronauts have anything on them. They would go at the astronauts not knowing or caring what or who they are. Pure ferocity. And if the astronauts want to stand a chance against their opponents, they too are going to have to achieve a similar clarity. More illustratively, when or if the astronauts meet, it would be from two sides of the shell of a space shuttle. To engage their opponent, the astronauts would have to leave the ship. If they wanted to touch their opponents, the astronauts would have to shed their clunky space suits. And then if the astronauts want to kill the cavemen, they would have to leave behind the moral edict against killing. To actually accomplish the task, the astronauts would have to adopt the innocently murderous savagery of their opponents. By the time the dead got done, the astronauts wouldn't look like astronauts anymore; they'd be naked, bloody, crying and screaming. The astronauts can beat the cavemen, not a problem. But in doing so, they would inadvertantly fall through the hole in the world and before they know it, come out the other side - triumphant cavemen